'How could you do it?'
We read the headlines, shrug our shoulders and get on with life. For Marcelino Dias, though, the scars of playing in a rigged match will take time to heal

Seven months ago, Marcelino Dias was a bodybuilder of some repute in his hometown in Oxel, Sholim taluka. Today, he's an unemployed youth wondering what to do for a living. Because, in the seven months in between, Dias took up football, became Goa's only Junior International - and then saw it all go up in smoke last Monday, when he took part in the infamous Curtorim-Sangolda match that ended 61-1.
Dias's team not only lost the match, it has been suspended for a year and could face a lifetime ban too.
It's hard to keep perspective when you've been through such a rollercoaster ride. And Dias doesn't hide the emotions. He's back in the security of the family home in Oxel - but security is a relative word. When the bell rings, he asks someone from the household, preferably his mother, to check before opening the door. The first person of his village to be selected in the Indian team now has to face the taunts. "How could you do it" is only the mildest of them.
"From a hero to a joke, that's what I've become", he says. He now plans to move to Mumbai for a few days "to take my mind off what has happened". Such has been the impact on this budding footballer that his normal routine and the eagerness to practice have totally vanished.
He's initially reluctant to talk about the Black Monday. But as the conversation goes on, the topic is inescapable. And soon the floodgates open.
Initially, Marcelino was not supposed to take the field against Curtorim as he had a "terrible cold and high fever." But the desire to push a team from Bardez (the region where Oxel is located) into the First Division League drove him on. "I was told that if we won, Sangolda could make it to the First Division. Bardez has no representation and this seemed like the best chance", he said.
"The goal we conceded in the first half was a freakish one. We could have surely beaten them, but things went out of hand. No one would have ever expected Sangolda to lose by more than two goals. We've won eight to ten tournaments around Goa."
Dias admits he played, but denies his guilt. "I was never parcel to that game", he says. "The moment I came to know of this fix, at half-time, I left the field. In my disgust I even went off the field without informing the referee, which earned me a yellow card."
What about the coach, Alex Alwares, you ask. "He was also not involved. Alex Sir also walked away."
As he sits, and the thoughts come and go - but never disappear - he speaks of something else troubling him. "I haven't told my father yet. He's spent a lot of money on me. In fact, it was his dream that I play professional football. He works on the rig, I don't know what to tell him."
He came so close to fulfiling that dream. He recently received a call from the Mormugoa Port Trust (MPT) to join their team. "Ever since the GFA slapped the one-year ban MPT have stopped phoning me."
So what does he have left now? Through all the self-doubt, the recrimination, the feeling of helpless victim, are these words to him from India coach Stephen Constantine. "Concentrate on what you do", Constantine told him when he was an India player.
And the questions. Always, the questions: Why did I do it, why did they do it? And was was the switch from bodybuilding to football worth it?
"I still like the game (football). I will appeal. I hope there is a God. I am innocent and I know it from the bottom of my heart", Marcelino Dias says before breaking down again.